5 Reasons Why You Suffer Heartbreaks

There comes a time in our lives when we want to be with a special person. We believe that there is someone for us and we hope for them to come along. For some, this desire is granted but with a sad ending. They consistently suffer heartbreaks.

Have you ever been in this situation? (Read on.)

You have been waiting for love to find you and then, you meet this gorgeous man who effortlessly sweeps you off your feet. You keep a mental list of specs and this person is ticking away every item on the list. He is the best thing that could ever happen to you. What more things could you ask for? He is a total package - take-home-to-mama kind of package.

Soon, you catch yourself gathering materials and building a lifelong relationship with this gentleman in your head. You know it is a bit fantastical but what does it matter? You like the form the structure you are building is taking; better to start planning early than to be caught unawares. This is your dream - to end up with this wonderful being.

Whilst you are building this relationship in your head, you are equally devoting your time, resources and entire being to the success of the relationship. You know your desired outcome, so you are giving your all in order to achieve it. You are doing well, darling.

Out of the blues, your bobo changes towards you. He is gradually growing distant in the relationship. You cannot explain how you know but you sense this detachment. Voila, there it is! He has stopped being the man you fell in love with. What could have gone wrong? You examine the structure you have been putting in place to see what you probably missed but you do not find the missing piece. Everything looked okay except that the relationship is obviously not okay.

In a bid to make things right, you begin to do everything possible to win back the heart of your man to yourself. You love him, why won't he love you back? Your world has been built around him. Why does he want to crash it? You are doing everything you know and can do but Mr Once Lover is not yielding. Then one day, he drops a bomb on your lap.

What kind of unacceptable excuse is this? Who gives a flimsy reason for not wanting to continue in a relationship? What is the meaning of “you are too good to be true”? “You are a good woman any man would want to be with but I'm not good enough for you.”

What does he take you for? If you did not think that he was good enough for you, would you have stayed that long with him? Certainly not. You love him and that is why you are with him. Or did he not like how you have been true to yourself? Does your goodheartedness make him feel uncomfortable?

You try to resuscitate the relationship but your man is gone - for good. It is heartbreaking and hurtful. You heal from the pain and move, but some time into your subsequent relationships, the men keep running away from your goodness. They continue to give ridiculous excuses leaving you to wonder what is wrong with you.

What then could be wrong? If you have the right attitude and are playing your part well in your relationships, what is the reason they do not last and transcend to a “happy together forever after”? I will clear your doubts head-on. Nothing is wrong with you, my lady. However, something is wrong with your approach. You may be attracting the right men to yourself but sustaining the relationship with these men is where you are struggling and lagging.

No doubt about the cliché that nobody can keep the person who does not want to be kept. However, have you stopped to consider this: what if something you are doing, consciously or subconsciously, is pushing them away? It is okay to gladly move on when people show that they do not want us, yet it would be counterproductive if we do not stop once in a while to review the cause of such attitude from people, especially when it has become a recurring pattern.

I will be giving you five possible reasons why a man would end his relationship with you on the grounds of “you are too good to be true”.

1. You do not know what you want

What do you want? This is a common question we ask in our daily lives. However, not many really do know what they want. It is okay to be unsure sometimes or for our wants to change from time to time. Notwithstanding, for a serious endeavour such as choosing a lifelong partner, not knowing what you want or not being able to communicate what you want in a spouse is ground one step to getting it wrong.

The first time I was posed with this question was when I was a teenager. Years later, when I stumbled on my school note where I had written my answer, I fell on the floor laughing. It was such a long list of things that even I, the author, could not comprehend years after its original documentation.

Similarly, you may be dilly-dallying and this is a confusing signal for the person who wants to spend forever with you. The trick is, your energy would fluctuate based on what you are nursing in your mind at different times. If you are uncertain, your energy would be confusing, thus pushing your partner away. Also, not knowing what you want in your ideal spouse and relationship would result in you not knowing what to ask for and expect in your relationship and from your partner. Anything will be admissible and this is another recipe for dissatisfaction and unhappiness.

2. Unrealistic expectations

This one is on the other extreme of the rope. It is self-sabotaging to not know what you want. Having unrealistic expectations is even self-delusional. Some of us are more prone to creating a whole lifetime in our fantasies but this is real life, baby! Come out of that dreamland and live the real thing.

Frankly, nobody can give another person one hundred percent what they want. Looking for a ten over ten man or woman is setting yourself up for relationship failure. It is either you do not get hooked at all or be hitched by a player who is happy to feed your illusion for as long as they can keep getting what they want from you. The former might be better, huh? Think again.

The other day, I was watching a programme on YouTube and the host was asking about the love life of the guest celebrity lady on her show. She went on to recount how she has suffered many heartbreaks and most of them were over flimsy excuses. She narrated how many of them would break up simply because they thought she was too good to be true. The host further asked her, “What kind of man do you want?”

Celebrity lady’s response was straight to the point. “I want a man who is like me. Go through my Instagram profile and you will be able to tell the kind of person I am.”

Now, I was literally blown away. Immediately, I saw why the men in her life were not staying. It is unrealistic to ask for someone like you. Why? Because there are no two people who are the same. Need I add that she is also exhibiting trait number 1 above?

You may be the sweetest person who has ever lived but if you are unrealistically undemanding, you run a risk of pushing people away from you - the status of the relationship regardless. Asking for someone who is just like you is asking your partner to ditch their personality and become another person - You. The problem with this is, no matter how much goodness you exhibit, your partner is not likely to feel it. Instead, the energy that will be transmitted to them is selfishness. No, you don’t intend to be selfish. Heck, you don’t even know that that is what you are delivering. Still, it is what it is.

Your partner, on the other hand, may not be consciously reading - [[energy status: selfish]]. The demand and expectation to become a totally different being can make your partner feel overwhelmed to the point of helplessness. They may not be able to explain why they feel like something is off. Therefore, they come up with an excuse that is unexplainable for them and baseless to you.

Do you now see why you should be able to define what you want? That way, you can review what your demands are and analyse the viability of each one.

3. You are actually too good to be true

I have heard people use this statement a lot and after examining the instances when this saying has been used, there are two possibilities. On one hand, it is possible that your partner is simply tired of the relationship and has no excuse to cut it off so they come up with that. On the other hand, you might actually be too good to be true.

In the second point above, I talked about the downside of making unrealistic demands from your partner. This one here is the opposite side. You tell yourself that you do not want to be demanding to the point of unrealness. Your partner does not know what irks you. You exhibit forms of complacency. There is no sense of self-expression. It is all rosy and nice.

Everyone has a dark side. We are not always “good”. You should not be afraid to express yourself to your partner. He or she should know what your likes and dislikes are. Some people are natural peacemakers. They avoid conflict in all its forms. This trait is taken along with them into their relationships and instead of building a resilient one, they instead get an unsustainable relationship. You are two different people in the relationship from absolutely different backgrounds and with varying forms of experiences. It would be unrealistic to expect that the two of you will always get along.

Rather than avoiding conflicts, prepare yourself to face them maturely and wisely. Conflicts do not mean the relationship has come to an end; it is simply another opportunity to learn about the person you are in love with.

You do not have to hide under the guise of “locking the person down” to the point that you are no longer yourself.

4. Making a wrong choice

Don’t berate yourself, darling. We all make mistakes. It is possible that in the frenzy of the moment, you lost yourself and fell for the wrong person. Maybe their packaging was so lit that you thereon assumed that their content would equally be magnificent. Down the road, it hit you - this is not the right person for you.

The deed is done. You made a mistake and to correct a mistake of this kind, the only option is to let the relationship go. When someone is not for you, they are just not for you. There is nothing you can do to change that. In fact, trying to change the situation by doing anything else besides ending the relationship is a one-way ticket to heart-shattering experiences.

I’ll tell you why. People can only change out of their own volition. Never, ever assume that you can change anyone. For starters, people hardly change and when they do change, it has to be a decision that they made by themselves, not a mission that was enforced on them.

This is where point number five below comes in handy.

5. Inability to discern

You do not know when to put full-stop in a sentence.

Not every relationship will end in “forever after”; it is crucially important to be able to discern when your relationship has come to its existential end.

I dated this guy some years back and after some time, I knew I was done. Things were not adding up and I dreaded going long term with him. Sadly, I did not know how to draw the curtains. I lingered on in the relationship - maybe I was hoping for a saviour or that things would change, but I was gradually losing it.

One day, something happened between us and he decided that our values were no longer at par. It was a case of mixed thoughts for me. Here I was with free access to walk out of the relationship I no longer wanted but the shock from the sudden bombshell of such a statement trapped me. Instead of jumping out of the relationship, I could not discern that it was my time to walk free.

Gratefully, I quickly came back to my senses and used the lifeline and the rest, they say, is history.

Are you like this too? You know the relationship should end, but you are holding on tightly to shreds and pieces. Or you are not even aware at all that you have lost your partner and the relationship is gone, so you continue to invest in it until you are fully spent and exhausted.

The light has shone. Wake up, open your eyes, step out of the shambles and walk into the light of life.

Love is surely a beautiful thing and everyone deserves to be loved. Nevertheless, do not be tricked into believing that love is blind. If you desire a lasting relationship, avoid the five mistakes outlined above. Love yourself first by doing right by yourself - know yourself and what you want and stay true to yourself. Nobody can love you as much as you love yourself. So, be the model for how you should be loved.